The Importance of Belonging
I always say, “Growth doesn’t happen inside of your comfort zone.” It just doesn’t.
So I try to push myself from time to time and put myself in new or uncomfortable situations.
Yesterday, a new friend invited me to a local event that happens monthly, where people come together to share their writing and poetry with all attendees. After reading your piece, you receive feedback from the crowd. I’ve never presented my work like that aside from my English classes in college. So I was nervous, yet excited.
When things got started, I was entranced. Instead of feeling like I was outside of my comfort zone, I felt right at home. The group was so diverse in age, ethnic background, and experiences. Some pieces were intriguing and soulful, and others created smiles and laughing. It was so enchanting. As I sat in those moments, I thought, “Wow. I could really belong to this community that wants to think creatively and support others in their craft.” I felt a sense of belonging.
Some say that all any human wants is to be loved. I can see that. But honestly, I believe that all any human wants is to belong.
Why is Belonging Important?
I think we are a more communal species than we realize. Thanks to capitalism and the creation of the nuclear family, we have been conditioned to believe that we can, and should, always do it on our own. In reality, we need each other. We crave connection. We need cheerleaders! This life is way to messy to go without a few good cheerleaders in our lives.
Look at those who don’t have connection to a community. What do they do? They join something more dangerous and unsafe like a gang or a cult, desperate for any sort of belonging. Look at veterans after they leave the service. They struggle transitioning back to civilian life with what they have experienced along the way for sure, but they also miss that sense of brotherhood and knowing that every other person had their backs. Now they don’t know who has their backs in a crowd.
Even going to a concert I feel more connected and heart filled being in a giant room of others who share the same musical tastes as me. I walk through life assuming I’m the only one who likes Kacey Musgraves, but when I go to her concerts, I am in awe of how many other fans there are! It’s so fun!!
Or when I’m walking down the street on vacation in a different town wearing a Cubs hat or shirt, and someone says, “Go Cubs!” Immediate connection to a complete stranger.
Belonging.
So … What Does This Have to Do with Parenting?
Maria Montessori understood that people have a need to belong. Children at a young age can’t go out and join clubs or sports at their own fruition. And besides, they shouldn’t have to in order to feel a sense of belonging. The first place they can belong, is at home, with their families.
How is that done? First, consider the environment.
I often share the story of when my husband and I first started dating. He had a townhome and I was ALWAYS over. A month or two into us dating, I dropped a plate on the floor and it shattered. I went to get the broom and dustpan, but he shooed me away, saying, “I got it. Don’t worry about it.”
You would think, “Oh how chivalrous of him!” Wrong. I got upset.
No, I’m not a Karen. I got upset because his gesture made me feel like I didn’t belong in his home. Like I was still a guest in this space. And I wanted to be a part of his space.
Belonging matters.
When a child has the opportunity to contribute to the care of their home, it provides a sense of belonging.
Every August, we sit down as a family and decide what new household care my daughter will take on that is hers. This year, as she is 11 going on 12, we decided that she will plan and cook dinner for the family every Wednesday.
But this didn’t start recently. We have been building up since she was 2 years old. It started with her first helping me with laundry, folding washcloths and sorting out her underwear. I would fold them but she would find them all. Over time it has come to include dusting, cleaning the cat litter box, feeding the pets, emptying the dishwasher, making her own lunch for school, and doing her own laundry completely.
What I want for my own daughter, and for all children, is to experience and learn life skills, and in turn make them feel like they belong and are a contributing member to the family, so that they can become contributing members of society. Always play the long game.
In my next post, I’ll talk more about how we can create belonging beyond the home. But home is where it begins. If you can create a secure, safe, healthy foundation at home, where your child knows they belong, you will only grow their pride and confidence, which will give them a huge leg up once they venture outside your doors.